Broken
by HearMeCalling
Summary: Angel reflects on Buffy, his life before Buffy, and his life after Buffy. Inspiration coming from Hoobastank, Gavin Rossdale, and Lifehouse.
1. Chapter 1

**A/n: I don't own Angel. I wish I did...but I don't. All credit for characters go to the brilliant Joss Whedon. LOVE YOU JOSS.**

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Part 1:

**The Reason**

_I'm not a perfect person  
There's many things I wish I didn't do  
_

It's strange how mistakes help you learn more than perfection does. With perfection, you stay on the same road you were traveling at 60 MPH. With mistakes, there is a break in that road, or your tires go flat. Something goes wrong and your speed decreases. But somehow you get back on the road--fixing your tires or turning the right way--and you know which way to go the next time your tires turn flat or there is another break in the road.

Life is exactly like that metaphor. If it wasn't, you'd be living a life that is worth living. If you were living in a perfect world free of negative emotions or actions, than you'd be a walking, talking, breathing robot with blood and stretchy skin. Whoever created this world did a good job with keeping you from being that sort of robot. Life may not be perfect, but it makes sense.

I'm not perfect, just like the next. Although I'm not a _living_ being--more or less a _creature_ than a being--but I was once. I once breathed, and ate, and drank like a human. I had a pulse once. Even if I don't now, it doesn't mean I'm not faulty. I'm still traveling that broken road as anyone else walking along this Earth. There are things I wished I had not done in the past. I wish I was free of the guilt that threatens to strangle me everyday. I have committed murder, I have felt the rush it has given me, but without that conscience, I was more like an empty shell that could talk. Now that I have my soul, I wonder every day if I should have let Darla bite me and I drink from her. If I wasn't a vampire, would there be more people living on this Earth? Would there be more vampires? How would the world have changed without my changing? With me living a normal human life that should've ended over 200 years ago?

All of these things one should not dwell on. I suppose I'm being a bit pessimistic, but it's not like I have the stamina to keep my thoughts from drifting back to those times when I just didn't care what I did.

_But I continue learning  
I never meant to do those things to you_

When I first saw her, my heart seemed to start beating again. The cobwebs that had been gathering inside me seemed to fall out as my whole being began to work again. This of course never actually happened, but for the first time in centuries I felt like a human again. She was so beautiful, with golden hair and a rather petite physique. Yet she seemed strong and she seemed like she was the one who could carry out a job such as slaying vampires. It was strange, but I could honestly feel her power seething out of her. So much so that I wanted to shrivel up into a dark corner and sit in a fetal position. She didn't look harmful, but I sensed it. I knew they had picked the perfect person. The fates had done it again: they had picked the perfect slayer.

She was practically glowing in the bright sunlight as she chatted with her friends and sucked on that lolly pop she twirled in her fingers. When she smiled, she looked genuinely happy. Her face lit up, somehow making the day just a bit brighter. It was strange but lovely. I had never seen something so lovely.

When she had heard her fate, and her face dropped, it felt like my heart and dislodged itself from my chest cavity. I somehow had to help her then, but I couldn't. I couldn't walk outside in the sunlight unless I was suicidal. I didn't want to die yet. I had fallen in love at first sight which seemed so disgustingly cliche, but I could honestly not help it and found myself acting like a teenager in love. When I had found somewhere safe to stay, I dreamed about her constantly.

When I heard she had moved to Sunnydale, I went with her without her knowing it. She had cut her hair and had perfected her fighting abilities. She met her watcher, Rupert Giles, and then she was off to save the day like any other super hero would do. The first time I talked to her I felt that my heart would've gone off the charts fast, but since I had no heart beat, I was silent inside. Yet my head remembered those times when I was actually a human teenager with budding hormones, falling head-over-heels with the first pretty girl I saw. She had seemed skeptical with me for the longest time until I had helped her fight and gotten close to her. The first time we kissed was the first time I felt that feral attraction to her taste. I loved her smell so much, but I knew it wasn't something that would kill me. I would have to be careful, but since she was the slayer, she could stake me through the heart if she so needed to. I had found the perfect girl in a matter of years.

Then came the time where things had gotten complicated. I was back to being Angelus, and had terrorized Buffy and her friends. I killed Judy Calendar, broken her neck with a sound that sickens me to this very day. When she sent me to hell, and I had been returned, everything changed then. Nothing was the same. I was soon seeking normality but could never actually reach it. I had to move away. It was something that had to be done. Not something I wanted to do, but it was something I had to do. I never meant to leave her when I first fell in love, but leaving was immanent.

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I've found a reason for me  
To change who I used to be_

_A reason to start over new  
and the reason is you _

Buffy Summers was the girl of my dreams. She was the girl I had found 'true happiness' with and possibly the only girl that I could ever find 'true happiness' with. I was molded from the shell of a man I once was to a new, stronger man I am now. She taught me to not feel sorry for yourself so much that you are paralyzed with guilt. Self-pity is not an alibi in fighting.

She was my reason, she was my back-bone. I love her and I will always love her until I die.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Angel belongs to Joss. I respect that. Also, the words to this song belong to Lifehouse. I don't own them.**

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Part 2:

**Broken**

_The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight  
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time  
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts  
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out_

Buffy was beautiful. She was real. She was true. She knew her destiny, her fate. I knew mine. Maybe that was what we had in common. Maybe that's how we came to be. She was a strong girl and I think I needed someone to rely on. I was miserable all the time. I would sit in darkness for hours just reflecting on what I had done and how this curse was painful and that sometimes I just wanted it to be gone so Angelus the Terrible would come back just so I could be lost in that body without even a drop of reason in my mind. But I knew that if I did, I knew I would owe the world more than what I already did and once I was cursed back--if that was even possible--I would struggle to pull myself to my feet once more. I couldn't go through with that again. So once I met her, I fell into her arms like a little puppy dog wanting love and trying my hardest to protect someone who was really protecting me. All I could do was bark. She knew that, too. She knew that I was flawed to the bone. She could sense that I needed someone to fall back on, even if that made me sound pitiful. I was half a man and she was okay with that. She was okay with me the way that I was even if I was a little puppy who just needed petting and some food. She understood and she loved me for that. Although I tried to never openly share, she could see right through my guise.

_I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
With a broken heart that's still beating  
In the pain, there is healing  
In your name I find meaning  
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on  
I'm barely holdin' on to you_

There were times when I was too ashamed to even face her because she was everything right and I was a pathetic man sulking away in my own little world where darkness covers me. When I saw her and she smiled, it was like that darkness lifted and I could step into the sunlight. Metaphorically, of course. I could only wish to do something like that. And with her. I wanted to see her soft, light hair shine in the brisk light of day without me catching on fire. I still laugh every time I picture that. It's more dark comedy, but nowadays that's all the laughs I have. My heart was broken in a thousand pieces even if it didn't beat. I could still feel almost a stabbing pain in my chest cavity as if every time it didn't beat I was slowly deteriorating and rotting away into the ground. When seeing her, though, she had band aids. She would stick them on the pieces and they would miraculously heal just like that. At least, that's what happened for awhile until she left me. Maybe all of this sounds cheesy and badly written, but I won't lie. I won't lie and tell you that that wasn't the truth. I won't lie and say that I'm kidding and that I'm not that pathetic. But I am. I'm ashamed about it. Who wouldn't be? Especially a man, but I have mentioned I am half a man. Perhaps only a shell of the man I once was. And empty, worthless shell. She took all of those negative, self-loathing thoughts away and brought only light. I felt my heart lighten and I was smiling! Before I knew it, I was smiling and laughing with her and her friends who seemed to trust me so well. I held onto her tightly, like a security blanket, and it worked. I loved her for it. And soon, I didn't just love her because she bandaged my broken spirit, I loved her because she was warm, and beautiful, and funny, and smart... and tough. I loved her so much I thought my heart would explode and this time from happiness.

_The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head  
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead  
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes  
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life  
_

Oh Buffy knew what I kept locked away in the corners of my mind. She knew that there were things that if I was to mutter, I would kill myself or at least torture myself with. But her eyes always screamed "Tell me, tell me, let me take those burdens off of you so you can rest easily at night". I had thought I was guarded. I had thought that I was so locked up that not even Buffy Summers could dissect my thoughts and feelings one by one by one. She didn't even have to ask because she already knew. We had this unbroken connection where together we knew what the other was thinking. Soul mates. Maybe, but I won't go there. She would eventually die and I would still be here roaming the Earth making people sad for me. Even then I wanted her to be happy. Without me. Every time I would close my eyes, though, after those thoughts I would see her crying and it just made me stay even more. I couldn't leave her.

_I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
with a broken heart that's still beating  
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing  
In your name (in your name) I find meaning  
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')  
I'm barely holdin' on to you_

But I left. Perhaps it was for the best. Perhaps not. Only time will tell. Until then, there are people to save. We might not be able to do it together anymore closely, but I know at a distance, we are.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Disclaimer here. :] Please read and review afterwards.**

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Part 3:

**Love Remains the Same**

_A thousand times I've seen you standing  
Gravity like a lunar landing  
Make me want to run till I find you_

I would have said love at first sight was cliche. Who looks at a person and wants to automatically marry them? Maybe not marry them, but truly and honestly want to spend the rest of your life with them. That's what happened when I laid eyes on Buffy Summers that one day back in '95. For the longest time I watched over her as she killed vampires left and right. I was submissive to her power for awhile. I was afraid to even speak to her. I had no courage, I was a mere dog waiting to be petted. Then there was that one faithful night when I finally talked with her for the first time. I crept up on her, and she was ready to fight me then and there. I gave her that necklace and I watched how she wore it faithfully every day. It helped her with fending off rouge vampires and I was proud of myself. When I began helping her, the attraction was automatically there like it was planned at the beginning of our lives. Faith? Perhaps not. I believe that I make my own fate, but there was something. When our romance story began, my world flipped upside down.

_I shut the world away from here  
Drift to you, you're all I hear  
Everything we know fades to black_

When I spent time with her, it seemed as if my troubles evaporated into the atmosphere. She was so warm, and her heart beat invaded my ears and it was all I could hear when I was around her. The world could be falling apart underneath us and all I could hear was that simple drumming. Sure that sounds a bit cheesy, but it doesn't make it not true. Everything that I'm made of goes back to her. Even if I meet someone else and she does too, we will always have that one connection that will keep us together no matter what. Everytime my thoughts get put on paper they sound out of character and foreign to me, but then I realize they are truthful. Nothing could be more truthful.

_Half the time the world is ending  
Truth is I am done pretending_

When I left, a part of me dissapeared but then I found that a part of me that I didn't know about was revealed. I found that I could handle grief better than I had realized. I could pick up the shattered pieces I had called my life and glue them together to form a more funcutioning Angel. Although I won't pretend that I don't miss her. I do. Sometimes it's too hard to go on, but I know I can do it with the help of few others. I'm not a very social person, but everyone needs someone. I'm finally able to accept help, and accept my life the way it is because everyone's is messed up in their own different way. I know what I need to do. It's my mission to help others because of the debt I have on humanity. I can do it, too.

_I never thought that I had anymore to give  
Pushing me so far  
Here I am without you_

I left for her. She needs--no, deserves--a better life. She needs to have a life that doesn't involve me. She needs to have someone to grow old with and get married to. She needs to marry wealthy and have two spoiled kids who are spitting images of their mother. Their beautiful, beautiful mother. Even if that never actually happens for her, she deserves it no less. I cannot provide that for her. I can't provide for a family or even create one for that matter. And even if that was possible, I'd still turn into a monster. But maybe I was put here for a reason. Maybe I was put here to help people even if that means not having Buffy by my side the entire time even if that is something I desperatly want so bad that I lie awake at night staring at the ceiling picturing all the things that we could do together. It's not possible. She fights my kind and I could never change her to be like me. That would be a paradox. Unless some immortal demon would possess her to become immortal as well, but I'm pretty sure that could never happen and she be her self. Truth is, she's better as a human. The world needs her like I try to convince myself the world needs me. So maybe leaving was for me too. Maybe I'm destined to be a lonely, brooding man who sits in the dark trying to tell myself that I'm important and that I need to be here. But here I am, without Buffy and without much hope.

_Drink to all that we have lost  
Mistakes we have made  
Everything will change  
But love remains the same _

Maybe one day my life won't be so messy. There really isn't any hope for me to ever have a female in my life who I love and who loves me back. I don't want to change back into Angelus. I don't want to become something so hideous that hell spits it back out, which it has once before and it was not a pleasing experience. Hope is dangling on a string for me. It's there, but it's very delicate. I want to cling to it for dear life, but it doesn't have much support. It's alright, though. Somehow I can handle this thing we call life even if mine is destined to last forever. I know what I have. I have my memories, I have my strength, and most of all, I have her in my heart. Forever and a day.

**A/N; Review please!**


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